The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
