i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
