I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
