Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
