If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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