Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
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At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
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That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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