Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
