so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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