It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
