We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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