This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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