In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
