tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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