Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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