The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
