I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
