So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
