I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
