Moan for me like Helen Keller
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
