we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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