I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
