Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
