____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
