We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
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