I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
