Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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