She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You dont lie about slip and slides
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
