She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
