Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
