I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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