ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
