I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
