All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
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I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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