i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
