It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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