I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
