someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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