dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
