I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.