You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police