it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
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I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
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Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.