You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
