watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
