if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
