i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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