he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
