my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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