he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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