my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I will be naked everywhere
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
