it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
