I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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