awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
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