I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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