Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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