I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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