im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
