I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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